Celtic's Title Hopes Head Clydewards

It's a sad day when the biggest cheer from the home support is when Daniel 'Thuglife' Coosans was sent off for his 150th offence. The light at the end of the tunnel was in fact a train coming the other way as Jan Vennegoor- here as known as fannybaws- got sent off for a stupid kick out at Kirk Broadfoot who is the worse full back in Scotland.

Yes, after Celtic's 4-2 defeat from average R*ngers on Sunday it felt like you had been booted in the baws and the sleepless night that followed was spent worrying about how unsurprised I was at the inept performance, another to add to the list of inept performances under our manager, and also that maybe we just watched our title hopes slow marched over the river to the tune of the last post.

The day started off great. Beachballs, flying lilos and passports but it ended with the revenge of Kenny Miller who usually, and won't for a few months, threaten any bovine animals with a banjo. I hated the fact that we thought he was worth booing. He has proved to be unworthy of air as he would sell his granny for £20,000 a week and he is not bothered who he looks uncomfortable playing for. He will score in Scotlands forthcoming defeats then not score again until March.

LoTW was sitting wondering why we were 4-1 down when a fellow LoTWite said

"Disappointing eh?"

"That's a fucking understatement" I guffawed.

So, what caused that "understatement"..

The Holy Goalie once again sold another game against them. He was at fault for 3 of the goals and dispite his podgy frame was the shadow of his former self on Sunday. He quite rightly 'got it tight' from Scotlands Shame' but if he dishes it out he has to take it. He is now big enough to take it.

The 'Ballad of Lee Naylor' was so tuneful after Sundays game. The non-performance of Andy Hinkel and the foolishness of playing a right footed player at LB, which along with Boruc cost us the game, makes us thankful that Joe Doumbe will soon be leaving the Big Brother House. With no SPL or Championship LB deciding to grace us with their not so graceful game, we have to make do with the pig ears we have.

'Heid and Hoof' had not too bad games despite getting a beasting from a thug in blue. Still losing 4 goals at home means that they have to be held cupable to some degree. Hanging maybe?

The midfield turned up and didn't do much. Paul Hartley, was on the park and went about his job but was faced with better performers on the day while Scott Brown continued his threatening behaviour, which may turn into a performance one day. Barry Robson came on and done nothing much. But he must be wondering how Scott Brown continues to get a game before him and Marc Crosas must go to sleep having nightmares that he has ended up at Celtic.

Another 'Glesga Derby' bypassed Nakamura like the M74 and Aiden McGeady will have to get his arse out of Kirk Broadfoot's pocket, he is still the worst full back in Scotland despite him having his best game for eons, before we play next. 

Up front, Shaun Maloney flitted in and out the game while Georgios Samaras now cemented his place as the 1st choice striker with his 3rd goal in 2 games and his hold up play was better than it has been. Ben Hutchison came on looking unfit and ballooned a late chance into the Jock Stein Stand.

We had too many passengers on the day. Too many players just turned up and went through the motions and our manager one again proved that when the chips are down he can't or doesn't have the guts to change it. As I said earlier, I fully expect other inept performances this season when our 'right good players' go missing. Our manager has to find the solution to this problem. Hell, he has only had 3 years to find it.

Sunday is just a blip in the bigger picture.

LoTW wasn't expecting us to sign the earth. In fact, I laughed out loud when I read the 'Moonbeams' of Pavlyuchenko and Darren Bent. The long ball game that we partook in with Tamas and Basa didn't annoy me as I understood that we had to get value for money and that the Mr 15% were chancers but I trusted the SSM.

How wrong was LoTW. The SSM should have a new moniker. The USSM. The Un-Sharp Suited Man as this transfer window he has either not done his job correctly- signing quality players at a reasonable rate and getting rid of deadwood- or he has been let down badly by the moneymen- whose aim is just to stay just ahead of The Huns and make up numbers in the Champions League- and has been trying to do deals with one hand tied behind his back and using marked cards when he sat round the table.

Whatever we deserve answers but we won't get answers as we are only the customers.

Last week, when paired against Man Utd, Villarreal and AaB, the USSM said

"Time is now against us but you never know what can happen in the last two or three days of the window. Our mission is to strengthen so let's wait and see what we can do."

I reckoned that running around in the last few days of the window for any sort of player is something I hoped we wouldn't be doing, if we were even looking, which I don't think we were. The article states that we spent nearly £7m quid this summer....I think it's closer to just over £5m and  as for strengthen......

Our signings this summer are Paddy McCourt for £250,000, now i don't reckon we will see Paddy until he rolls out for Hibs in 18 months time. Next up was Georgios Samaras, a player we knew about 3 seasons ago (before we signed Jan Vennegoor) and who we had on loan last season. £1.2m secured his services when we realised that 1) He was cheap 2) He was cheap and no-one else was as cheap.

Then came Marc Crossas, a player that we signed via a DVD, another scoop for our scouting system, from Barca for £450,000. Up next was Glenn Loovens for £2.5 who was scouted extensively for 2 games in the Algrave, after The Huns pointed us in his direction and  Tamas/Basa said they wanted to much money, cocaine or a bookies account.

Finally came Shaun Maloney, a player we sold then chased for 18 months to bring him back. We brought him back for around a £1m. I make that £5.35m approx. And for that money we only have one player that improves the first team right away.

Not one of them a left back...not even a 'Ballad of Lee Naylor' type left back.

The manager was more telling regarding the summer inactivity he said..

"Things have not materialised the way we would have liked."

..with that he either means the players he targeted didn't want to come or he didn't have the money to buy these players unless he sold players to fund moves. The saga of Bobo Balde proves, to me, he needed Balde of the wage bill to get players in.

Then this story appears regarding Jan Vennegor. We were willing to sell one of our big game players and not give us time to buy a replacement. Was Vennegor the big wage casualty since Bobo wasn't going anywhere? Some assest management that. Sell a first teamer because a reserve wouldn't move.

This summer has been the most disappointing since Seville. We have not added to the quality of the first team, we have not got rid of the squad players and deadwood and dispite being in a position of power we have failed to bury The Huns of the park.

Day's like Sunday, watching the blight on society celebrate, could become more common if the management don't get it right from now on in.

Ah, but feck it.....lets hang on the phone for 40mins for our Champions League package like the lemmings we are. By tomorrow I'm sure I will think Mark Wilson will do at LB....

Forza

"The Chaaammmmppppions.....pa, pa, pa pah!!!!!!"

Ok, the only show in town was in Monaco this week as the Champions League  draw was made in it's usual OTT stylee and we found out who would be pumping us away from home and getting a beating at Celtic Park.

The Hoops were drawn against Manchester Utd, the Champions of Europe and the 2nd time we have played them in the CL and also the second year in a row we have faced the previous years winners. I'm sure the Greater Manchester Polis will be looking forward to welcoming another team from Glesga so soon. The club reacted like this to the draw while looking disinterested and one eye on the last 16 already.

Villarreal were our foes from Pot 2. We faced them in the UEFA Vase 2004, the night Saint Martin of O'Neills team got it's first nail in it's coffin, and they were impressive last season in La Liga finishing 10 points ahead of Barca. The have a South American flavour and it's a tough, tough opening game for us. Here is a squad list and also the clubs reaction at getting drawn against Celtic Glasgow. Again they were to busy eyeing up the knockout stages to really be arsed bothering about us or the Danes.

Lady luck seemed to shine on us as we draw Scotsman, Bolton legend and Arsenal leg-end, Bruce Riochs Aalborg who put out the mighty FC Kanus in qualifying from pot 4. Karma eh? Anyway, they won the Danish title last season but have started badly this year and probably beating the mighty Kanus can be put down to luck. Lotw knows feck all about them so here's a squad list, which has a very Danish feel and LoTW ponders surely we won't be playing in a stadium that holds only 10,500?

Can we qualify for the last 16 for the 3rd year in a row? Right now, it doesn't seem likely as the away day blues seem set to continue with trips to Old Trafford and El Madrigal looking as daunting as hike up Everest. Again, we will need to win all 3 home games to have any hope and that is also a tall ask. The UEFA Vase looks the best bet and that will satisfy those who feel we need to win the thing to get it right up the huns.

The manager gives his reaction and as usual we are playing top, top sides with top, top players.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock.........

That's the sound of the Mickey Mouse Clock, goes with our Mickey Mouse League, that hangs in LoTW's Hut where this wind and pish is typed. The clock is ticking down to the close of the transfer window and the time that the 'Shitofilter' gets put back in it's box and returned to the back of the cupboard.

If we are going to be playing top, top teams we need some more top, top players.

So what's tickling the 'Shitofilter' today? James Brown is making the filter go red. Hartlepools £3m rated striker, who signed a new deal with the 'Monkey Hangers' last weekend and who is more famous for getting Jeff Stelling to do this rather than his striking ability. New contract, big bucks to move him and the chance of Strachan getting hanged on the London Road rather than a monkey means the 'Shitofilter' is at red on this one.

The 'Shitofilter' vibrates at the thought of loan deals and probably so does the SSM and Hamburg. Timothy Atouba doesn't want to leave Hamburg, Hamburg want to sell him to either Us, Newcastle or Hull City. As he hasn't had his shots to get into Newcastle or Hull, us on loan has the 'Shitofilter' at amber but with 'The Shadow Of The Chief Executive Of Bobo Balde' casting a redish glow over it.

The 3rd and most unplausable rumour is £6m rated and Real Madrid target, who hasn't scored since before Easter, Steven Fletcher leaving Hibs in a cash plus Derek Riordon deal. The 'Shitofilter' is at red as us giving Hibs a shit load of cash for a promising youngster LoTW reckons went out the window with Scott Brown.

The chances of us signing anyone are getting less and less with The Chief Executive Of Bobo Balde refusing to move to Birmingham. The bigman is acting like a bawbag this transfer window and this could be the 4th or 5th time he has agreed terms with clubs only not to sign. His hard as a brickshit house performance in the last 10mins against Boavista in 2003 is fading quicker than our last 8 of the Champions League hopes.

George Burley also named his Scotland squad this week for the double header against Macedonia. LoTW notices that he has named 6 Celtic players in the squad, which is quite handy when he is looking for scapegoats after the two upcoming defeats and no goals. Scotsman, Aiden McGeady has been named in the ROI squad where he doesn't get booed in the games he plays.

But enough of this. The Huns rollover the river, with their songs about the famine being over and us going home- don't they know there is a credit crunch? have they seen the price of tatties?-, for their first defeat of the season on Sunday.

Both teams have the same records this season, W2 D1, but with Celtic having injuries to Jan Vennegoor and Scott McDonald and a scare story regarding Shaun Maloney we go into the game with more doubts and questions than we did last weekend after our Brazil 1982 performance against Falkirk.

Last season every game was won by the team that scored first. In the 3-2 game it was the first time The Huns had lost a derby game when they had got in front since 1992. Last season the Huns won 73.6% of games they scored first in. Celtic had a decent 68.4% record. Both teams have dropped points after scoring 1st this season so far.

History shows scoring first is important in these games. If Celtic score first the 'Wattienaccio' will have to come out for a spell in the game to try and get an equaliser. If they score first, then we may struggle to breakdown a deep defensive unit as well drilled, but lacking in ability, unit.

After Kanus, the goodwill factor that swept over CP has all but gone, Though The Huns have spent and gambled like a blindman playing poker, they have got new faces and a new hope. Us? All though having a better squad, the injuries and the fact that we seem to be penny piniching in adding quality to the squad gives this game a dangerous feel.

As Celtic Stats points out we have won 5 out of the last 6 games at Celtic Park. We have scored 12 goals and lost 4 in the process. We should be able to gloat at them going out of Europe and win this game.

So the bonkers bet, that 'youwidbestupidtofollow', is Celtic 2-0 with Shaun Maloney scoring the 1st goal. See LoTW doesn't think Maloney is injured.

Forza

LoTW has decided that's it time for this brother to sort it out. I'll start by 'sorting out' Michael Higdon who has decided that asking the MIB for a 'square go' is how to go about sorting his teams failings. He then admits that he tried to get himself booked to prove a point and that the MIB 'bottled' this decision as well.

I wonder if Mr Higdon would have thrown his rattle ,if he had one, and has ever considered engaging his brain before opening his mouth.

Next up is Celtic legend John 'Yogi' Hughes, who scored with a header at Ibrox, saying that he may quit due to the sad state of MIB's in the SPL. He fancies the bright lights of The Championship, 6th richest league in the world, and that he has outgrown the 2 stand town, which is Falkirk.

Both the above bawbags have done a great job in deflecting attention away from their teams poor form. Was the MIB on Saturday responsible for them losing the 2 games before then? Was the MIB responsible for missing a penalty in their first game, thus causing them to drop 2 points (think Mr Higdon had a lot to do with that) and does Mr Hughes think that the Chesterfields and Southends of this world won't notice that he has lead Falkirk to 3 defeats on the trot and signed Sunday League Leg-ends like Michael Higdon.

They have also stirred up a hornets nest. Commentaters have been sticking their unwelcome noses in and trying to get a story where there isn't one. The fact of the matter is the MIB's are terrible and have been for years.

But.....LoTW wonders where guys like Crocker were when Jan Vennegor didn't get a penalty last season at Aberdeen, when Scott McDonald got a decent goal chopped of in our 3-2 defeat at Inverness, when Jan Vennegor was up ended at Love Street, when two dubious penalties were awarded for ICT and Hearts last season causing us to drop 5 points, when Kirk Broadfoot stayed on the park after beasting Scott McDonald in the 3-2 victory over The Huns and ,last but not least, when Mike McCurry invented the 'Offside Own goal' at Ibrox last season.

Yes, LoTW agrees we have had the benefit this season so far. But don't all these things even themselves out, so by my reckoning we have 118 years worth of evening out to go.

LoTW wishes also to sort out the PLC board. With the 'Transfer Window' being extended, for a whole 24 hours (hurrah) I would expect the 'Shitofilter' to be doing overtime. It's not. A cut price deal the lesser spotted Riordon for him to complete a "sensational return" to relegation haunted Hibs is all that is happening.

LoTW is non-plussed at this news. Could have been great but it wasn't. Still think his leaving is not the player we need to be shifted. Bobo Balde is the problem. LoTW thinks if Bobo says "No, No, No" to anymore Championship fodder then our chances of seeing a Nike Friday or a Championship LB are as likely as the Lesser Spotted Riordon being served in any Edinburgh Nightclubs. 

Can we maybe expect Bobo to get paid off and then a short term loan deal for a LB? I will say again if we go into the CL with a right footed player at LB then it's a sacking offence for all of the coaches, scouts, tea women and Hoopy The Huddle hounds.

We also go the news today that Celtic's successful Olympian Chris Killen was hoping for and all of Timdom wasn't. Scott McDonald is out of the Glesga Derby and Jan Vennegoor is rated as 50/50. McDonald got injured bouncing for the Socceroos in one of those useless International games that bug LoTW happiness every now and then.

The injuries did lead to us producing our best performance of the season right enough but doubts remain over the ability of Georgios Samaras, no matter what the long haired lover from Athens boasts.

True, as he says, strikers require goals and he seems to be confident but whether he is good enough to be a starter ahead of Jan Vennegoor is still to be proved. I sometimes think Samaras wanders about allowing games to pass him by but he can't allow that to happen on Sunday. We may need Gallus George not Curious George.

The same article has Neil Lennon joining the mass ranks of the LoTW driven 'I want to have Shaun Maloney's Babies' fan club. He mused

"I think Shaun can play with most players because he is really intelligent. It is the typical big man/little man partnership, and Sami responded very well. Shaun has played with a lot of good players over the years, and he can play anywhere across the front line."

Added to that, Lenny's former partner in crime, Paul Lambert fanned the flames that have engulfed the talent of wee short arse since his cameo winning debut after returning from a failed spell at a mid table EPL club.

With Shaun also being seen as the saviour of George Burley's, already, ill fated reign as Scotland Coach. The pressure on the wee man is incredible and a lot of it for me comes from the boards lack of activity on the transfer front. A player that some don't see as a first choice has all of a sudden become the 'man' that will turn us from Scotland 1978 into Brazil 1982.

Anyway, there is something else happening this week, that doesn't relate or impact on The Huns. Yes, The Champions League draw this Friday, 5pm for all non-Huns, has got Nakamuras sushi juices flowing.

He quite rightly states that he doesn't want AC Milan or Benfica as we are fed up playing them. Having a look at the pots, the perfect hot and cold balls draw would be Lyon, PSV and Cluj. But...I have a feeling we are due an English team and that team will be Arsenal along with Roma and Fenerbache.

To finish with this article from The Times, which asks whether Shunsuke Nakamura is a genius or over-rated. LoTW says genius.

Forza

Update: Why has this Madlung story appeared?, Steven Fletcher? and why is our manager watching Hartlepool v WBA this evening?

Thanks to Number 7 from KDS for the photo.

You start the day with a 51 goal partnership up front and you end it with two players who only met each other the day before doing a good impression of a partnership as fully formed as Cannon and Ball. Also, a bit part player who looked to be on the way out, suddenly becomes your 'change the game' option from the bench and the lesser spotted Riordon, usely seen wandering aimlessly around Edinburg or in deserted stadiums, getting a whiff of a last chance.

Maybe, that's a bit far fetched but you can bet your last thin dime that our successful olympian, Chris Killen, was glad that he let David Beckham replace him today's closing ceremony, as all the fireworks he needed was at CP yesterday.

With Scott McDonald being laid low with problems with his abductor muscle, rumours than it was groaning under the weight of his arse are unconfirmed, and Vennegoor tearing his tights, successful olympian Chris Killen, who came 2nd only to Usian Bolt as Olympian of the games, has got the chance to drag his carthorse pulling a train frame round CP and other unsuspecting Scottish grounds.

LoTW hopes that he is only seen when we are 3-0 up and we need to give Shaun Maloney or Samaras a rest. In saying that, Shaun made Sammy look like a player yesterday, in fact Shaun made functional and pragmatic Celtic look like a team in the second half.

Football is a simple game if you give the ball to footballers who can play football. If you give the ball to, say, Mick McManus, the chances are the will hoof the ball aimlessly up the park to no-one but..if Mick opens his eyes and see's Nakamura coming short for the ball and plays it to him then we maybe play something that resembles football.

We never got near anything that resembled football until Shaun Maloney came on. Shaun showed the kind of football intelligence that we lacked all last season. His link up play with Sammy was a delight and showed what we lack with Skippy and Vennegoor up front. He was a stick on for MOTM but how did the others fare...

Arfur Boruc, got his gloves dirty having to save a few long range efforts so he will be glad of the clean sheet bonus as he needs the money to pay the £50,000 fine that he got for having a bevvy in Rotterdam. I don't care that he likes a drink. As long as he plays the way he did then he can have cans of Special Brew in the net with him.

Andy Hinkel, had a ok game, he didn't do much but what he did do he done, eh, without much fuss. He still offered us nothing in an attacking sense. On the other flank Mark Wilson had another storming performance and he must be a stick on for the RB role when we do sign a LB or when Lee Naylor returns. Yes, LoTW feels that Lee Naylor returning is the lesser of 2 evils.

In the centre 'heid and hoof' had a new look. Loovens took the heid role and had a quiet game. Won a few headers, had a couple of nice sideward passes but did nothing to suggest that he is any better than what we have. Mick had another out of sorts game. He scored after he punched the ball into the net but his passing was woeful and he looked as mobile as a car with no wheels.

He needs to do the simple thing. Like pass the ball to Aiden or Nakamura. Nakamura once again showed why he should be the first name on the team sheet. He is always available and when he plays we play. We should be doing everything to ensure that the man fae Japan is here beyond this season as CP will be a poorer place with out him.

Aiden, had a decent 2nd period, linked well with Shaun and looked liked last seasons Aiden for at least 15 mins. In the middle, Hartley was Paul Hartley and Scott Brown threatened to become something other than an engima with a poor first touch. I don't understand his role in the team. When Marc Crosas came on for a 15min cameo, when he showed he is footballer, he dropped deeper and allowed Hartley to go further forward. This was noticeable but when Hartley and Brown are the pairing you don't know who is meant to do what.

Up front, Vennegoor spent the first 20 odd mins chasing Micks hoofs and might have been glad to get carted off as it looked like he was in for a unproductive afternoon and Sammy scored 2 goals, one was very lucky as the shot was as weak as Skol lager, missed a sitter and the jury is still out on him. Strikers are measured in goals so he is top dog at the moment for all his failings. Chris Killen, should have scored and did nothing of note apart from make LoTW wonder when Ben Hutchison would be fit. 

Shaun Maloney? I want to have his babies. The only thing that was missing was a goal.

3-0 flattered us as Falkirk had a few decent efforts but they lacked a cutting edge. Our backline was there to be tested but the lack of talent up front will hurt The Bairns. The North Stand 'instantsuccess' brigade went home happy, that we showed signs of life and they will get the chance to boo Chris Killen and pin the scapegoat card on him.

John 'Yogi' Hughes, the Celtic legend who has scored at Ibrox, took part in the new sport that is sweeping Scotland.....referee bashing. He moaned...

"I felt McManus handled it - and okay everyone makes mistakes, but you feel disappointed about it," I'm not going to say too much about the second goal, but from where I'm sitting, that one was offside."

....well, from where I was sitting it wasn't offside and a look at the stats show it wasn't offside. Yes, the first one was a handball but it took me 167 viewings to see it was a handball. The MIB, who is the worse ref in Scotland, wouldn't have had a hope in hell of seeing it.

But hey, lets not let that get in the way of a good moan. 

Our manager decided to ignore the useless MIB and bigged up our new players while ignoring the failings ..he said..

We maybe didn't play as well as we should have in the first half hour, but once we introduced Shaun, that helped as well. I was happy with Marc Crosas went he went on as well, but there wasn't really any disappointments with the team really." 

Shaun Maloney, Glenn Loovens and Marc Crosas should be beware that after their debuts the only way is down......

Highlights here.

Forza

Thanks to Number 7 on KDS for the picture.

Glenn Loovens sees 'Heid and Hoof' in action.... 

Lotw, is glad the seasons back. We have meaningful games to moan about. No more glorified training sessions to watch and post reflective, rubbish blogs about and last, but by no means least, live ammo to slaughter the players, justifiably, with.

It also brings new LoTWites to the blog, HAIL HAIL to you, you know who you are, have you got me as your favourite blog yet?, and the irregulars who use this blog like an off shoot of Dear Deidrie, back in from wearing socks and sandals on respective beaches, while drunk on cheap wine.

Now, while the reaction to the 'point gained' at Tannadice could be measured as extreme as a Hezbollah Training camp, LoTW, as it usually does in times of trouble, comforts itself with stats and drink. Last season we only failed to gain points on 4 occasions away from home. We also gained 1 point only once and the rest of the time we gained all 3 points in performances that were pragmatic, functional, lucky and good.

But the point gained at Tannadice also brings up the nightmare thought that our performances last season, that were pragmatic, functional and lucky will be the fare again this season unless we change personnel, change the system or splash the cash and bring in better quality.

At least we have seen some change in personnel this week.

LoTW sings 'Hosanna' and counts the cost of the experiment that was Thomas Gravesen. The Danish Scott Brown, disappeared into the sunset a multi millionaire after, a case of mistaken identity left him dining in Madrid, with Zidane, on steak and fine wine, while Lee Carsley cursed his baldyness and feasted on fast food with Phil Neville and is now tasting the delights Birmingham has to offer. LoTW reckons Tommy owes Lee a few beers.

Tommy was a 'Green Chip' signing. His debut against Aberdeen proved to be a false dawn as quickly his wandering around like a drunk tramp on meths became his trademark. The Champions League produced his most embarressing moments and the DVD, working title ' How To Blow £6m Quid' , will fronted be Harry Hill and available free with The Sunday Mail.

He was brought to save us from pragmatic, functional football but, like Jiri Jarosik was a disappointment, couldn't lift us above the average level and sometimes both looked like they couldn't reach the functional level. 

Another midfielder that left us this week was Evander 'Boooooo' Sno. The North Stand favourite scapegoat left to go back to his first club Ajax. Evander 'Booooo' Sno, had a decent first season, where he made running like a flat footed penguin look graceful, but as he faded the 'instantworldbeater' brigade turned on him and recent appearances were met with audible groans.

The big fellow had decided that he has had enough and returned to the country of his birth to coaches and fans that rate him as a future internationlist and star. Andy Hinkel has now replaced Sno on the North Stand Scapegoat list and we fully expect him to be booed within the month.

Good luck Evander..but a lot would rather see pragmatic and functional players like Hartley and Robson.

In that quest to keep the Status Quo of the squad, 'Down, down, deeper and down', new signing, new benchwarmer and future reserve team captain Glenn Loovens modelled the new home kit, which a snazzy green and white hooped number and nothing like last years green and white hooped number. Our manager commented while kissing a photo of the 15m rated 'Heid and Hoof'....

"It would be great if we had £20m to spend on a defender. If I had it Glenn wouldn't be sitting here, it would be Rio Ferdinand. But we have a certain amount of money. It gives us the chance to develop our own players which is exciting and good for us. Glenn wants to get better."

....think the manager sums up the frustrations, that are now at boiling point within Celtic support. We don't need players to make better, we need players that are ready to improve the first team and Crosas, Loovens, Samaras and McCourt don't shout out that they will improve the team.

The feeling Loovens is an after thought and a cheap option is further highlighted by Loovens, former team-mate, for all of 3 weeks, I'm not a Billy I'm a Tim, Ross McCormack who, when asked about Glenn said...

"He never panics and is a mixture of Boumsong and Kyrgiakos. He is going to do really well at Celtic."

.......comparing them to, two of the worst CB's ever to disgrace the SPL. Not a great start eh?

Seems like hope is riding over the hill, on a wee wooden horse and a player with 'pedigree', who will walk back into the team and, hopefully, improve the team. Wee Shaun Maloney, will return like the prodigal Bawwy (8) after a failed spell in England. We welcome him without much doubt as we are desperate.

The Hail Hail of the week, goes to irregular LoTWite 'Seven' for his take on the most interesting aspect of the return of the Shaun....

"do u think if him and mcdonald were ever played upfront together it would be the biggest 2 rear-ends of all time in a celtic partnership"

.....naw, I reckon the biggest arses ever to play up front Celtic were Wayne Biggins and Andy Payton.

So, we play Falkirk in our next league game. Falkirk have only won once at CP since their return to the SPL and that was in the Diddy Cup on pens, when Evander 'Boooo' Sno missed the crucial pen. We have played them 6 times and have won 5, scoring 13 goals and losing 3 in the process.

Aiden McGeady is our top goalscorer against them with 5 goals in total. As Aiden looks as likely to score as the elephantman at a supermodel convention then the LoTW Bonkers Bet, a bet that 'youwidbestupidtofollow' means that I will go for Celtic to win 2-1 with a functional, pragmatic and lucky performance with Jan Vennegor scoring first.

Maybe we will see some new players.

Forza

Thanks to Celtic Stats for the information used in this blog.   

Two instalements of LoTW in one day you have been honoured! If, you have LoTW delivered to your Inbox, it will be bulging like Batmans codpiece. Our if you have it added to your favourites it will be at the top of your list like Kayne West I'm Top Of The Pops.

Unlike Celtic.

Two points dropped and it's not the end of the world. Dundee Utd deserved their draw and proved that they will be a team to contend with again this season as LoTW predicted. We had chances to bury the game at 1-0, Jan Vennegor and Scott McDonald will be disappointed in themselves. We improved on last weeks performance, not difficult, and looked a more flowing side with the return of Nakamura.

I don't think I'm wrong by calling Naka the difference between last week and this. His skill and creativity shone through despite the thuggish treatment dished out from United that went unpunished by Charlie Richmond. So Naka did the decent thing and- after being on the end of another hefty late tackle -decided to break the referee's ankle with a ninjaesq move that left the hapless MIB needing to be carried of by the Celtic doctor and Neil Lennon.

Not, that the MIB would have got any sympathy from Craig "£5000 Fine" Levien after the MIB blanked a stonewall pen claim after Gary Caldwell halved the constant fouling Roy O'Donovan in the box, after the constant fouling and already booked Roy O'Donovan had commited another foul.. He moaned...

"If it is a stonewall penalty, which everybody says it is, then I feel really harshly treated,"

....sticking pins into a Charlie Richmond doll. Ok, this is the 2nd week in a row we have had the benefit of 'decision. Yes, it was a penalty but this is no sign of a bias towards us from the MIB. No, this just highlights that the MIB's in our league are terrible and have a cheek to ask for a pay rise.

Today's decision was a simple one. It was a pen. Last week the MIB got another pen decision wrong when he didn't award JVOH a pen when the keeper brought him down. He then awarded a pen that was as Charlie Richmonds ankle. Also, Richmond was terrible today before his boob. Maybe, his absense will be for the benefit of the game.

Celtic took the lead via Paul Hartley's first SPL goal for The Hoops in the 51st minute, a decent move that ended with a deflected shot nestling in the net. Dundee Utd always looked like they could nick something and when The Hoops missed a few chances the writing was on the wall as our back 4 started to wilt. Some bloke called Sandasa scored for Utd and the first dropped points of the season were racked up.

Arfur Boruc was not his usual self, flapping at a few cross balls and long throw in's and getting beat at your near post is not good for any goal keeper. After the CB pairing getting the £15m tag by the manager they decided to put in a performance that is the reason we want better quality in that area. Glenn Loovens will fancy his chances of getting a game after Mick was poor at the United goal, ended up on the wrong side on the player and Caldwell produced his worst game in months.

Last week the left handside on the defence was at fault today blame is with the right handside and we have a problem with Andy Hinkel. The full back, LoTW reckons lied about his German caps like a 15 year old lying about the number of buff books he has under his bed, produced a display that ranks alongside Lee Naylors efforts.

What is it with us and poor full backs? Hinkel is on thin ice and if we sign a decent LB- feck it any LB, even one with one leg and a false eye-, I reckon Mark Wilson, who was impressive today but faded in the last 20mins, is a shoo in for the right back role. Maybe Paul Caddis will get a shout and Willo will stay at LB if no one is forthcoming.

But Hinkels time is nearly up.

As I said, Naka gave the team a tempo and a flow for periods today, Aiden played ok but is nowhere near last seasons standard, Paul Hartley was steady and it was nice to see him go forward and not get a nosebleed but Scott Brown, was, well, Scott Brown. Threatens to have a decent game then misses a pass or loses the ball, through a poor first touch usually, then the threat is gone. Barry Robson came on and played like a player with blisters the size of tennis balls and as though he had a doze of the plague, which he has according to the manager.

Up front, Jan Vennegoor worked hard, competed well against the thugs in tangerine but really should have buried the game when he had that one on one but Scott McDonald really needs a goal. He also put up with the unwanted beastings the United backline gave him but the chance he missed with a couple minutes to go shows he is under pressure. Last season he would have scored that with his eyes shut. Hopefully one will bounce in of his arse soon. Samaras came on with 3 minutes left, which is about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike, no time to do anything bar get his appearance money.

The manager said....

We played better than last week (against St Mirren) and looked livelier. We had the opportunity to finish the game and couldn't take it, so we have nobody to blame apart from ourselves. But the players can be pleased with some good performances at times. It could be a big point, come the end of the season.

I tend to agree but we should be doing better. Also the law of averages meant that United were due to take something of us at Tannadice and we can't begrudge them yet. It could be a big point as our manager say's but they could also be a massive 2 points dropped.

The manager also took time to laugh at the rumours kicking around regarding Mikael Silvestre and Inter Milan striker Hernan Crespo....he guffawed 

"It's a big laugh. The wages these guys get, it's not even on the radar for us."

This comes as a relief to LoTW, as topping up fading lights pensions is not something we should be looking to do as Ian Wright is still fresh in the memory. He did not deny that we are interested in taking Shaun Maloney back, which comes as a surprise to nobody who looks on Celticcyberspace...not exactly groundbreaking news that, LoTW has only been bleating on about it for weeks. Free the Midlands 1 to paraphrase another Celtic Blog tagline.

Hopefully white smoke this week. I'll even take Paul Robinson the journeyman full back from WBA....desperate times and all that.

Forza

 "Hun Baiting, you say...."

So, LoTW went to "The Best League In The World" and the only difference was you could get a pint in the ground (which was nice), spotty baseball capped Herberts trying to attack the away support (you never see that in Scotland now) and Fernando Torres. Apart from that, I could have been watching an SPL game.

But the "Torres Bounce" from the scousers was worth trip alone and Robbie Keane is no better than Chris Killen. We saved ourselves a few bob there, LoTW mused as 'Keano' laboured round the park.

I'll start with Glenn Loovens and his quote about joining Celtic. He said while flicking the"V" to all at Ibrox...

I had the choice of Rangers and Celtic and it was a hard decision to make,But the chance to play in the Champions League is what swung it for me. It's a stage every player wants to grace.

....yes, the European carrot is a factor but, again, like so many times in the last few seasons when Celtic and The Huns go head to head for a player and Celtic really want that player, Celtic get that player. This is another sign of Espanyolfication and being ManCiteefied.

The manager was at his jesting best when he mused this on Friday....

"If I wanted somebody far better than Mac [McManus] and Gary [Caldwell], I'd have to pay £15 to £20 million. That's not going to happen.

....nor is someone paying £15m for Mick and Caldwell. Caldwell has been our best defender for the last couple of months, he probably has shown more captain-ness than Mick, but Mick is the club captain and thus undroppable a rod GS has made for his own back.

We have paid big money for Loovens and that usually means that player pays judging by the managers past record. For me Mick would be the one to drop out as last week him and Naylor were very weak on the left handside of the back 4.

The usual pairing will be together at Tannadice this afternoon. With Naylor and Hinkel their other partners in crimes against defending we could be in for a tough afternoon against a Dundee Utd side who will be looking for a boost after being defeated by table toppers and relegation favourites Hamilton Accies.

Last week on the "This Week In Football" podcast ( I am on around 24mins in ) I predicted both Dundee Utd and Motherwell to have great seasons. Like all LoTW predictions this has went pear shape with Motherwell losing their first 2 games and hopefully Dundee Utd losing their first 2 games also.

Added to what the stats says, Celtic unbeaten in 8 and Dundee Utd not won in 4, then the hands of the ghods point to a Celtic victory. But, we were terrible last week and we have dropped points in an early away game in all of GS seasons in charge. And this could quite easily be this seasons.

But...for the Bonkers Bet, a bet 'youwidbestupidtofollow', I have looked in the crystal ball, a murky bit of tat that is kept in the cupboard under the stairs, and decided that since Jan Venegoor has scored on his last 2 visits to Dundee, both from corner kicks from the right hand side, that today he will score with a 30 yard rocket. 

So 1-0 Celtic with Hesslelink scoring the only goal.

Anyway, enough of this. Let's talk about the important news that sport of 'Hun Baiting' is now banned in Scotland and you get a kickin' when your out with your mates if you decided to do it. Unless your mate is top 'Hun Skelper' Darren O'Dea who will bash a few attackers and Scott Brown will take the blows meant for you.

Some lesser Celtic sites say the infamous "Battle Of Bamboo", which occured last Sunday night was caused by Aiden slagging The Huns in the dressing room after winning the league. The clip, which has now been removed from You Tube, was braodcast on the "From Boy To Bhoy" documentary.

LoTW, fears now that superb sport of Hun Baiting is now banned and all Celtic fans better watch out if your out today and decide to partake in a bit of Hun Baiting. You may not have an O'Dea or Brown to save you. LoTW says careful now.

Mon The Hoops.

Forza

Available At All Good Hun Shops 

"I just walk right through the door...."

Does anyone else think, that watching men in short Speedos diving from a 10m board is wrong?LoTW has decided that it is and using the excuse that you were laughing at 'Team GB' coming last, again, for being late for work (my real work) is as believable as gathering a group of 'loyal' fans and telling them your best player- we can all now admit he was a player- won't be sold while ordering them a taxi.

So the Espanyolification continues as The Huns decided to sell Carlos Cueller to Aston Villa for 10m Euros. So we thank Carlos for the music, well not the music but that hand ball, which led this classic commentary that is a Celtic legend.

That hand ball also, maybe, cost them the league so we thank the 27 year old brace wearing Ugly Betty lookalike for this and also for giving us the biggest laugh since Michael Mols signed for The Huns and brought his mum along for the photo shoot.

As The Huns tried to blame the player for invoking the "Ifwegetputoutofeuropeyourgoing" clause and trying to 'moonbeam' the press with stories of pay rises, the ghost of Boumsung was lurking in the background as Carlos and his pet goat, Scape, wandered towards the Midlands...

While, questions should be asked why Saint Martin Of O'Neill has decided to give them money to 're-invest' in the squad- or sign the targets they couldn't afford- an esteemed contributor to the LoTW Hail Hails, Pujol- who is number 10 in the list of top 10 contributors to the Hail Hails- , summed it up, with the Hail Hail of the week.......

Just when you thought Birmingham couldn't get any uglier, Aston Villa go and sign Cuellar! Not "Hasta la vista" but "Adios Carlos"!!!!

That really should win a prize. I think Hail Hail of the week could be a feature, if LoTW gets any decent comments.

So what would really piss of The Hun hoards even more than their best player leaving? What about Celtic signing a Glenn Loovens a long term target of theirs in a show of GetItRightUpYou-Ness not seen since Scott Brown left salt and sauce land (Edinburgh for those not from Scotland).

Now, long term-and seeing past this a GetItRightUpYou to The Huns- this signing brings our scouting and the supposed transfer target list into question. We have already signed Marc Crosas on the evidence of a DVD and now we sign a player no-one heard of until R*ngers were linked and he had a decent game against us.

We might have known about him before but.....evidence of this summer points to Glen Loovens being a Plan Z signing after all our other targets decided not to come. Tamas, Basa and Mudlung have all been muted and all have a higher pedigree than Loovens. This seems to be left to chance and another punt and a lot of money at that for a punt.

Suppose, it could be worse. Next on the list was Lee Wilkie- I saw on another messageboard Mudlung described as the German Lee Wilkie- so we should welcome Glenn, if he signs, and hope he scores more goals like this.

For a closer view of The Loovenator I wandered over to The Best Cardiff Blog On OleOle and stole a quote....

"The fee mentioned is around £3 million which would be good money for a Championship centre back"

The ballad of Lee Naylor is being played on a Banjo after that bombshell.

But....we have signed a bloke from Barca. Xavi, the guy that kept him out the team, say's Barca will want him back after a year, he also said, inbetween wondering who would clean his boots now,....

'I would say this is a kid with a winning mentality and great control of the ball. Crosas has perfect vision and an offensive game and he creates many chances for the strikers. I believe that Celtic have closed a perfect piece of business.'

Marc Crosas himself- after he had woken up from being drugged, gagged and bundled into a van by John Reid's henchmen after looking for a 'Carlos Clause' in his contract on Sunday, after 35mins of watching us against St Mirren- slurred.....

'This is a fantastic opportunity for me. All the midfield players who are at Barca are compared to Xavi or Guardiola, but every player has different characteristics. What I have to do is not show that I can be compared to those players, but that I can play at a good level in my own right for Celtic.

Whether or not the manager plays the new Xavi on Sunday is anyones guess. I think Falkirk next week will see him get some game time but who he will replace is the big question. One, that I can't answer just now.

Again, LoTW used the contact list in his wee black book and spoke to my Barca mole, who gave me this piece of gold....

For €500,000, Celtic have got an absolute bargain. For Crosas too it is an excellent opportunity as competing against the likes of Xavi and Iniesta he was always going to have an uphill struggle to break into Barça's midfield. I've probably only seen Crosas play about ten times but he always looked a good prospect.

I think we will all agree this was worth the £10 I paid for it.

Remember LoTW is running it's own fantasy football league with a great Celtic related prize to the winner. League name is LOTW Super Lager Division 1 and password is Bolloxs.

All the gubbings I steal to make up this shit are on the Celtic Home Page and if you want to contribute some newsworthy stuff submit a throw in and ensure you tag it as Celtic. Also if you want to contact LoTW to tell me I'm a bawbag go to here and leave a comment or message.

Forza

"I am francisco vasquez garcia"
 

Celtic started their quest for '4IAR' with a swashbuckling, attacking performance, which conjured up memories of Brazil 70 for the aulder 'fans' at the game. The 1-0 scoreline, flattered St Mirren and they were lucky, after a few near misses, that the MIB (Man In Blue) took pity on the Hoops, forgot his 'brief' not to award Celtic pens, unless a decapitating or attempted murder is involved, and gave us a stonewaller none the less.

The pen was dispatched by the impressive Barry Robson who must be in the running to replace Barry Ferguson (8) in the Scotland team....Our manager was impressed saying....

"It was like the watching a great Hungarian side....."

Aye right, it was mair like watching the Blue Brazil or Honduras.

LOTW, joined the other couple of thousand leaving Celtic Park at the end of the game (the other 56,000 had left with 10 mins to go), with the thought that the grim reality of poor final balls, sloppy full backs, ponderous midfield play and suck it and see tactics were back to annoy us.

The post-Kanus feel good factor lasted all of 15mins before the moans started. Of course, St Mirren don't know the rules that they are not allowed to have the ball at Celtic Park let alone get a corner or have a shot on goal. Not, that Celtic did much to stop these moans.

In fact, only 3 positives can be taken from yesterday's game. The final whistle, 3 points and that The Huns are even worse than us.

The winning goal summed up the day. Usually at this point I would have a wee link to the goals and highlights but......all have disappeared from the Tube that is You. Anyway, we got a pen that never was a pen- if anything Big Jan Vennegoor just made an arse of the chance- and Barry Robson blasted a rocket down the middle that hit the goalie and just bounced over the line.

We can expect the inquest to the penalty award to last months. Well, at least until one of our players gets decapitated or murdered in the box and it gets waved away. Then we will be told that it all evens out over the season. 

The way the penalty was dispatched summed up Barry Robsons day. Started of well enough but faded when Hartley and Brown became more involved. Robsons performance has usual workrate and energy but lack finesse. The likeable Tuecther proved that he hasn't got the pace or ability to play out wide. He needs to be involved in the engine room.

Paul Hartley and Scott Brown done well in that engine room with Hartley being a stand out, which sums up our day when our defensive midfielder is a stand out and Scott Brown gave a hyperactive performance in spells. Aiden McGeady better get used to being in crowded situations and for the sake of the team LOTW suggests that he doesn't wash for a few weeks to ensure that nobody will want to go near him cause of the stink. 

Skippy was weighed down with the weight of his arse and the number 7 and the expectation that brings. Following Magic Zurawski is a hard act. Skippy was that far of the pace he could have been playing in a different game. JVOH worked and eh, done not much else.

At the back, the left handside of the back 4 was as close to being terrible as they could have been, which is some feat considering Lee Naylor had his best game for at least 15 months. Even then it didn't reach any passable mark. Add to that, undroppable Mick McManus is still as rusty as an auld Vauxhall Viva means that a decent side could have got joy from that pairing.

On the right handside, Hinkel continued his impersonation of an ex-German internationlist winding down his career and thinking about punting his caps on E-Bay to top up his pension and Gary Caldwell continued his re-birth as a decent looking centre back.

The subs didn't have anytime to make an impression, as per usual, so to give them a rating or abuse or praise would be wrong.

The manager reverted to a 442, which he said he would, but as I said we don't mind a 442 if it's not square pegs in round holes. The game was crying out for change and our manager thought so as well....

 "......we didn't bother, because it was sucking the life out of us on the bench, that game,"

.....maybe, a change to a 433 would have put the life back into the game o